November 1960
The six month waiting period has long passed and I am now and forever Janise Elaine Cox. Six weeks after I was born I went to Lueders, Texas to see my new Aunt Lizzie and Uncle Bunk. My mom and dad want to show me off. After a short visit, I ride to Stamford, Texas where my grandparents live. There I get to be held by uncles and aunts, grandmas and grandpas. I am just a small addition to a big, big family. My sister, Brenda, is still excited and wants to show off what she knows about me. I don't feel any different than if I had been biologically born into the family. Everyone has accepted me as their own. Now I am spending my first Thanksgiving with everyone.
Grandma and Grandpa Cox live just two houses down from Grandma and Grandpa McAlister. Grandma Cox is a little frail woman. She loves to cook and usually fixes us something to eat when we get here. Grandpa Cox is funny and is always laughing. He and my Dad both play the fiddle and they get together and play music. Grandpa and Daddy lay brick together. Grandpa is an excellent tile man and he has his own business. Grandpa Mc and Grandma Mc are not as wealthy. Grandma is German and I really could never understand her. Grandpa Mc is scarry. I do not feel the same when I go to their house as I do at the Coxes. I will find out later why that is, but for now, I am content being held by Grandmas and enjoy my first Thanksgiving.
Sunday, April 2, 2017
Monday, June 13, 2011
MCMLX Leap Year
MAY 9, 1960: The Food and Drug Administration approves the birth control pill, Enovid. One hundred percent effective is is later found to cause life-threatening blood clots and the approved dosage was ten times too high.
United States sends U-2 over USSR. I gave birth to a baby girl then gave her away.
MAY 10th, 1960: John F. Kennedy wins primary in West Virginia. The Silver Beatles audition at Wyvern Social Club in Liverpool in hopes of becoming a back up band for Billy Fury's upcoming tour. They did not get the job. Still in the hospital. Want to get out of here.
MAY 11, 1960: This is the 131st day of the year of 1960. Living under the assumed name, Ricardo Klement, the Nazi leader Adolf Eichmann is captured in Argentina. Eichmann is known as the architect of the Final Solution. His capture opens up the horrors of the Holocaust to the world. Finally, a visitor. My spirits are lifted today.
MAY 12, 1960: Elvis Presley appears on a Frank Sinatra special. Prince Aly Khan dies. I receive a visit from attorney explaining terms of adoption and finalization papers.
MAY 13: Eisenhower and Khrushchev showdown in France at Cold War Summit concerning U2 shot down in Russian airspace. Average cost of a house is $12,700. Gas is .25 a gallon. A Ford Mustang 2 door hardtop costs $2368. Making a to do list for when I get out of here. Maybe I can get on with my life and put this behind me.
United States sends U-2 over USSR. I gave birth to a baby girl then gave her away.
MAY 10th, 1960: John F. Kennedy wins primary in West Virginia. The Silver Beatles audition at Wyvern Social Club in Liverpool in hopes of becoming a back up band for Billy Fury's upcoming tour. They did not get the job. Still in the hospital. Want to get out of here.
MAY 11, 1960: This is the 131st day of the year of 1960. Living under the assumed name, Ricardo Klement, the Nazi leader Adolf Eichmann is captured in Argentina. Eichmann is known as the architect of the Final Solution. His capture opens up the horrors of the Holocaust to the world. Finally, a visitor. My spirits are lifted today.
MAY 12, 1960: Elvis Presley appears on a Frank Sinatra special. Prince Aly Khan dies. I receive a visit from attorney explaining terms of adoption and finalization papers.
MAY 13: Eisenhower and Khrushchev showdown in France at Cold War Summit concerning U2 shot down in Russian airspace. Average cost of a house is $12,700. Gas is .25 a gallon. A Ford Mustang 2 door hardtop costs $2368. Making a to do list for when I get out of here. Maybe I can get on with my life and put this behind me.
Please touch the baby!
What an amazing day! I am going home. Everyone looks happy; the nurses, Dr. Ellis, my new mom and new dad and even my new sister. Life is good. I can relax and just sleep. Or so I thought.
The house on Jerry Lane is nice and cozy. Neighbors, Dorothy and Buck St. John, knock on the door to see the new baby. My mother, Artie and Elmer, are very protective. Mom was a nurse so Dad accepts the idea that the neighbors will not drop me on my head. They are both beaming as they hear, "Look at all that hair! Look at those big brown eyes! She's long isn't she?". Yes I was long, 21 inches in fact. I have jet black, curly hair and big brown eyes. Everyone says I look like my Dad. Dad is very dark complected. He is a brick mason and is working out in the sun all day. His skin is dark with a reddish tint. He has dark black hair and beautiful brown eyes and a gorgeous smile. Mom is taller than he is but that doesn't bother him. They met in school and became head over heels for each other. Mom will tell me later that she though Dad was the "prettiest" man she had ever seen. All her friends thought he was drop-dead gorgeous. Mom was a tall, skinny, white as a lily, freckled faced tomboy looking girl. To top it off she had gorgeous, wavy auburn hair. So I guess I do favor my Dad a bit more than I favor her. My sister is the opposite of me. She is a dainty little blond, very white child. Two and a half years older than me, she was adopted too. She wants to hold me and tells everyone that I am her sister and she will take care of me all by herself! I can see pride in every one's eyes. They are glad to have me, glad to hold me, and even glad to hear me cry. They all want to touch and hold me, feel my fingers, and look at my monkey toes! I am very lucky!
The house on Jerry Lane is nice and cozy. Neighbors, Dorothy and Buck St. John, knock on the door to see the new baby. My mother, Artie and Elmer, are very protective. Mom was a nurse so Dad accepts the idea that the neighbors will not drop me on my head. They are both beaming as they hear, "Look at all that hair! Look at those big brown eyes! She's long isn't she?". Yes I was long, 21 inches in fact. I have jet black, curly hair and big brown eyes. Everyone says I look like my Dad. Dad is very dark complected. He is a brick mason and is working out in the sun all day. His skin is dark with a reddish tint. He has dark black hair and beautiful brown eyes and a gorgeous smile. Mom is taller than he is but that doesn't bother him. They met in school and became head over heels for each other. Mom will tell me later that she though Dad was the "prettiest" man she had ever seen. All her friends thought he was drop-dead gorgeous. Mom was a tall, skinny, white as a lily, freckled faced tomboy looking girl. To top it off she had gorgeous, wavy auburn hair. So I guess I do favor my Dad a bit more than I favor her. My sister is the opposite of me. She is a dainty little blond, very white child. Two and a half years older than me, she was adopted too. She wants to hold me and tells everyone that I am her sister and she will take care of me all by herself! I can see pride in every one's eyes. They are glad to have me, glad to hold me, and even glad to hear me cry. They all want to touch and hold me, feel my fingers, and look at my monkey toes! I am very lucky!
May 10, 1960
I woke up this morning feeling empty. Relieved of my responsibilities should feel good. But it doesn't. Why? It is different but I can't find a word that describes how I feel right now. Nurses are whispering outside my door. Do they know? Well of course they do, they were the same nurses that were here yesterday morning and I will probably see the same nurses that were here last night when my baby was born. My baby. My baby. Where is my baby? I clench my eyes shut trying to forget the cries. Cries from a baby I will never hold. "Are you alright?", a small voice asks from the other side of the curtain. Now I remember that I have a roommate. She definitely knows. She asked hundreds of questions about my....the baby, until the nurses finally hushed her up. I could hear the whispered voices and gasps when she was told I was giving my child up for adoption. What do I care? Who does she think she is! She has no idea what I have been through; the condemning stares, the disapproving gazes from my mother, and him, where is he now? Probably out celebrating the fact that there will not be another mouth to feed. He could at least come see me and comfort me. It doesn't matter. I don't need any one's help and especially any of their pity. I did what I had to do and it's done. No turning back. Finally the whispering stops, I am told I will be moved to another room so I will "be more comfortable". Will that stop the whispers, the looks, the sometimes blatant hostility?
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Happy Birthday!
Riding to the hospital wishing I had done things differently. What is going to happen? Will I get to see the baby's face, hold it, hear it's first cries? Maybe I should just go numb, act normal, act normal, act normal. The pains are getting closer together. Finally, Fort Worth Osteopathic Hospital, much nicer than the county hospital. Nice to know the adopters agreed to pay for a better hospital. Wonder what kind of parents they will be to my baby....no, not my baby, must remember their baby, not mine, stay disconnected Reba. Questions begin, so confusing, looks of disgust or just my imagination? Pity? Possibly, but too much pain to care right now. Let's get this over with. Who am I kidding, it will never be all over with as long as I live. Can I do this? What else can I do, I can't change my mind. The attorney has reassured me the parents are good people, second time for them; hope they know what I have sacrificed for their happiness.
I can still remember when I contacted Eva Barnes. She was a little intimidating although she did seem honestly concerned when I explained my situation. But she was all business when we met later. Do I need money, clothes, groceries? If she only knew. I have kids at home who need me, can she give them anything? Questions, more questions: who's the father, does he live with me, does he know I am having his baby, how old is he, how old am I, what should I tell them?
Doctor is here. It's time. Happy Birthday to their baby.
I can still remember when I contacted Eva Barnes. She was a little intimidating although she did seem honestly concerned when I explained my situation. But she was all business when we met later. Do I need money, clothes, groceries? If she only knew. I have kids at home who need me, can she give them anything? Questions, more questions: who's the father, does he live with me, does he know I am having his baby, how old is he, how old am I, what should I tell them?
Doctor is here. It's time. Happy Birthday to their baby.
Why?
Journeling can be very beneficial and detrimental. The key to keeping a journal is to put more positive things down than negative. That would make everybody happy but would it accomplish what needs to be accomplished? No. I am starting this blog to give insight into who I am to myself. For years I never knew who I was, who I acted like, or who I looked like. This may only be understood by other individuals who have been adopted. So I plan to journal from that perspective; one in which I have a personal connection.
I also hope to give my biological siblings a glimpse into my life. The life they did not share with me due to circumstances beyond their control. The life I was not a part of due to the actions of my biological mother and father. Do I blame them for adopting me to someone else? How can I, I do not know the circumstances that caused them to make what must have been a very difficult decision seem more appealing to them than it would have been to keep me?
This blog is not a place for me to place blame. It is a place for me to bare my soul to myself so I may find out who I really am; and to choose to be a polka dot dog or a brown pony. More on that later.
I also hope to give my biological siblings a glimpse into my life. The life they did not share with me due to circumstances beyond their control. The life I was not a part of due to the actions of my biological mother and father. Do I blame them for adopting me to someone else? How can I, I do not know the circumstances that caused them to make what must have been a very difficult decision seem more appealing to them than it would have been to keep me?
This blog is not a place for me to place blame. It is a place for me to bare my soul to myself so I may find out who I really am; and to choose to be a polka dot dog or a brown pony. More on that later.
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