Happy Birthday!

Riding to the hospital wishing I had done things differently. What is going to happen? Will I get to see the baby's face, hold it, hear it's first cries? Maybe I should just go numb, act normal, act normal, act normal. The pains are getting closer together. Finally, Fort Worth Osteopathic Hospital, much nicer than the county hospital. Nice to know the adopters agreed to pay for a better hospital. Wonder what kind of parents they will be to my baby....no, not my baby, must remember their baby, not mine, stay disconnected Reba. Questions begin, so confusing, looks of disgust or just my imagination? Pity? Possibly, but too much pain to care right now. Let's get this over with. Who am I kidding, it will never be all over with as long as I live. Can I do this? What else can I do, I can't change my mind. The attorney has reassured me the parents are good people, second time for them; hope they know what I have sacrificed for their happiness.
I can still remember when I contacted Eva Barnes. She was a little intimidating although she did seem honestly concerned when I explained my situation. But she was all business when we met later. Do I need money, clothes, groceries? If she only knew. I have kids at home who need me, can she give them anything? Questions, more questions: who's the father, does he live with me, does he know I am having his baby, how old is he, how old am I, what should I tell them?
Doctor is here. It's time. Happy Birthday to their baby.

Why?

Journeling can be very beneficial and detrimental. The key to keeping a journal is to put more positive things down than negative. That would make everybody happy but would it accomplish what needs to be accomplished? No. I am starting this blog to give insight into who I am to myself. For years I never knew who I was, who I acted like, or who I looked like. This may only be understood by other individuals who have been adopted. So I plan to journal from that perspective; one in which I have a personal connection.
I also hope to give my biological siblings a glimpse into my life. The life they did not share with me due to circumstances beyond their control. The life I was not a part of due to the actions of my biological mother and father. Do I blame them for adopting me to someone else? How can I, I do not know the circumstances that caused them to make what must have been a very difficult decision seem more appealing to them than it would have been to keep me?
This blog is not a place for me to place blame. It is a place for me to bare my soul to myself so I may find out who I really am; and to choose to be a polka dot dog or a brown pony. More on that later.